We all go about the motions of trying to be a good Orthodox Christian and we may be certainly in the crowd but are we touching Christ? We can say our prayers and practice all the Christian virtues but skillfully neglect that thing that separates us from God. That thing is different for everyone. We have all been sinfully disfigured and wounded and therefore struggle to put all of our faith and trust in the great healer. At times, we seem to get just close enough without total surrender, keeping our options open so we can once again flee, licking our wounds and disappearing into the throng of bystanders, unwilling to change and experience true liberty. And just like the crowd in the Gospel reading today we press up on Christ, while still protecting our injuries and failures, finding comfort in the bondage and chains of slavery of past wrongs, whose memory have become our norm and our thin cold blanket of comfort. As Saint Ambrose writes: “For those who throng do not believe; those who touch believe.” [Saint Ambrose [Ib., Bk. VI, §57.]
Oh Lord, help my unbelief! The wounds of my soul are more life-threatening than any disease or illness but yet I neglect their healing. I settle for mere existence, as the shadow has become comfortable, and days come and go. Loving as Christ loves seems so vulnerable and foreign, maybe I will try harder tomorrow or next week, we’ll see! We then settle for being in the pressing crowd near Jesus but not close enough to touch his garment’s hem and not close enough to heal that part of our hemorrhaging life.
Oh Lord, heal my unbelief! Is it my lack of courage or distrust of God, or should I say that I seem to trust me more than the Alpha and the Omega? Evangelist Luke instructs us to: “Be of good courage.”(Lk 8:48) Good courage comes from above and only through ascetic struggle as we hear St. John the Theologian say: “Perfect love casts out fear” (I Jn 4,18). How then do we love perfectly while our attention seems to be on our woundedness and then our actions are deeply rooted in pain and brokenness? Is it my shame for my continued sinfulness that cripples me or my lack of true repentance? Where is my faith? Do I still love the world more than my salvation?
That thing that keeps us from being made whole differs for each and every one of us and our Lord will respond to each of us differently in way that will help us individually in our growth towards holiness if we allow Him in, into the cold shadows, into the pain and darkness, into our failures. O Lord, cure my unbelief!
Light overcomes all shadows! Reach out to Christ, the light of the world, for His mercy, forgiveness, strength, and healing as best and as often as you can. Place your feet here, at the chalice, which truly contains the Body and Blood of Christ, where we can all intimately touch His warmth and life. Just like Jarius and the woman with the issue of blood, with faith draw nigh. (Lk 8:41-56) Come out of the shadows and into the Light, for His mercy and love are what you have been longing for and what you really need! Our Savior is merciful! More of Him, less of you!
Fr. Gabriel Weller 11-17-2019